Remember in like third grade when you had to do that worksheet..."What I want to be when I grow up"? I can see myself like it was yesterday..sitting in my little yellow chair, pigtails, perfectly coordinated outfit(ya even at that age I had swagga)
I don't have a clue though what I put down, but knowing me it was something fabulously out there. Forget nurse, librarian, doctor, lawyer, indian chief..no no no..I am sure it had everything to do with some sort of microphone, stage, and entourage! Truth be told though fast forward to present time cuz I might as well be sitting in that exact same yellow chair with that exact same worksheet in front of me right now! Yes ladies and gentlemen..I am 36 years old and still do not know what I want to be when I grow up! GASP,!! HARK!!..SAY WHATTTTT???
I remember in high school everybody was flustering about trying to get into colleges, taking their SAT's, their ACT's, applying to all the great schools. I was most likely fluffing my hair,applying lipgloss, and worring about my TMZ(the Melissa Zone)
I was not one to be prepped for school, my plans were not that scuplted,my mother never had any intention of me going to a higher level education,she was more concerned about my weight at that time, and unfortunetly highly enforced that the way I looked, was gonna be my ticket to the universe. I remember when they started to have us take all these like career tests..like what would we be most qualified for..ya that was a bust..I remember getting mine back and it suggested I become a rocket scientist or a funeral director..ya that was time well spent.
Then there was the time when an Army recruiter called me.."Hello Miss DeHart..this is Sergeant yadayadayda..how would you like to come on down and sign up for the Army?"..I was laughing so hard I could barely reply.."Sir do you have any idea who you are speaking with"..If you are looking for your next GI Jane not only are you barking up the wrong tree..you are completely in the wrong "friggin" forest!
I knew from a small age though, I wanted to be somebody important..not so much President of the United States important..more like Julia Roberts important.
Nowadays it kind of frustrates me though how people become famous for being nobody. I mean all you need is a sex tape and a great ass and all of a sudden you are raking in the millions.
What happened to talent?..what happened to actually contributing something to society and having talent to show for your bank statement, BMW's, and BLING!!
Well I don't know, but I see all these friends of mine who have become something,they went to college, they got their acts together, they did what they were supposed to do. Take my little sister..she went to nursing school, made great grades, and now she makes more money in one week then I did in an entire year.
I guess I just never really grew up, and am still that little girl standing in front of the mirror holding my hairbrush and practicing the phrase "I would like to thank the academy"
Now I gotta hand it to myself..I am just a very small town girl, from a very small town, who knew I was destined for bigger and better things. We all have a path,a story, a journey. My destiny has not really been an easy fit..I kinda have done things the hard way. I got myself to college, only because I was bored one day and decided it would be cool to do. I still had no clue what I wanted to be, but I knew it had to be something involving a camera and me in front of it, so I went into Broadcasting.
I was not satistifed with the whole 4 year plan, so I marched into the local ABC station and later the CBS one(worked for both) and told them I was their girl. Oh my did I have to do my grunt work though..I pulled cable, I ran scripts, I mopped the sweat of those anchors faces in between segments..oh ya..it was tough!
Tough eventually payed off for me though..but not without a price..I actually went out every weekend and shot my own stuff, then me and my homie Barry(fellow awesome intern) and I would go back and edit it all in our spare time. One day the president(love ya Miss Placier) of the station asked to see my stuff and the next thing you know I am on the weekend edition! SCORE!!
Of course my life has taken all kinds of twists and turns since then, and I am once again kindof out there, but for the oddest reason..I got really really sick, got really really better, and some people noticed that.
Now I am 36 years old with a resume that includes being a waitress, hostess, television reporter to be, famous anorexic who almost died, famous anorexic who almost died and got better, havn't done much since...OMG... WTF??? am I gonna do now??
Ya..I have been considering my options...so far they include replacing Ryan Seacrest on American Idol, becoming a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, a backup dancer for Beyonce, or a professional cupcake decorator.
If anybody has any other suggestions please let me know..but until then I really need to figure out what it is I wanna be when I grow up..I already got the Fabulous thing in the bag..just kind of need to grow off of that!
God..if you are hiring..please call me!!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Lady release your jaw...this man is not a roasted chicken!
So I am in the grocery store yesterday fluttering around trying to balance the 20 items I have accumulated in my two arms, cuz I tell myself I don't have time to grab a cart or a basket and that I actually only need 3 items.
Then I saw that the new Cosmo had come out,that Special K(chocolate) was on sale, and that I needed a bag of 500 cotton balls. This is usually what happens and then some little tween stockboy walks up to me with a "pity cart" and all is well.
So I am standing in the soup aisle trying to decide between "Chunky"."Robust", or "I don't care I just want soup", when I glance up and see her. For a minute I am taken aback because it was like I was looking at my own reflection back in the day.
She is very tiny, and you can see every single bone in her body. Her clothes are baggy and her hair is obviously thinning and just matted in a giant clump on top of her head. She is pushing her cart slowly and isn't even paying attention to what is around her,because she is to busy reading the back of a label of no calorie chicken broth.
She is studying it, anyalyzing it, and yes I know all to well mathmatically configuring how many sit-ups it will take to burn off what isn't there. She has a look of vacancy on her face, no emotion, no depth...just hunger...I can see it in her eyes...sharp,dark, unbearable emptyness, and although you can't see it, her body is screaming from within to please put it out of it's misery!
It is yelling at her to put down the "god damn" broth and go buy some bread, some milk, some butter, anything..just please don't feed me this carton of liquid "nothing"!
I want so badly to grab her, to shake her, to tell her to stop the insanity..but I know by the look in her eye that she is in her zone..her "leave me the fuck alone, I don't have a problem" zone.
I get asked on a daily basis, what it was that took me from being "death thin, and starring into the toilet bowl girl" to who I am now?
I honestly don't really know what it was, but all I can say is that after 17 years and then some "hunger" can suck it! I was really really tired of being hungry.
Starvation is probably the most god awful thing you can put your body through. I mean why do you think they starve prisoners of war to get them to break? It is one of the most angonizing, painful, slow processes of torture anybody can possibly imagine.
Not only does your body start to respond physically to hunger, but the mind tricks it plays on you are insane! You see your brain needs chemicals that only food can provide, without them it starts to shut down and in my opinion "flip the fuck out"
They have done countless numbers of studies on lab mice along with humans examining the behavior associated when the body is put on a very low calorie to nothing diet.
Such behaviors include not sleeping,hyperactivity,ticks,taking food and dividing it into small pieces,memory loss, and of course obsessing over food.
Obsessing over food is probably one of the most prominent syptoms somebody starving can have. If you have ever seen those old cartoons where the two guys are stranded at sea in a little boat, and then one guy looks at the other guy and he suddenly looks like a giant turkey, then you know what I am talking about. You are so hungry that seriously people, cars, your dog, they all start to look like you could sprinkle pepper on them and have them for lunch. It's not like you are Hannibal Lector, it's just your body has kicked into survival mode and at this point wants food so "friggin" bad it starts to wig out!
I to this day I have a fascination with food, whether it is seeing it,smelling it, watching it be prepared, or eating it, I am intrigued by it's essence. Luckily for me though, I have come to be able to manage the whole process of what it is and what it represents. I used to see food as the center of my universe. I was either not eating it at all, or eating it all and then expelling it from my body like poison. It was my life, and it was what made me feel good, bad, or guilty.
Now I have come to respect food,I see it as nourishment for my body, and I have come to not see anything as "good" or "bad". I realize how much it also plays a part for me socially. Everything I do with others usually involves some sort of food, and I realize now that it isn't about the food so much, but about the people and memories surrounding it.
I have a lot of good friends who are chefs and they have taught me how to respect food. They have shown me to appreciate it, to sit down and really taste what I am putting in my mouth, to listen to what my body wants and to challenge my taste-buds to try new things.
It has taken me many many years to get to this point, but I honestly do not let food rule my life anymore. I eat when I am hungry, I stop when I am full. I eat what my body feels like and know that nothing is off limits to me as long as I eat it in moderation.
I have long since put the whole diet thing to bed, and think that anybody and everybody can do the same if they just used portion control. We as adults lose touch with what is called out "intuitive" eating skills. As children we didn't know anything about calories, or fat, or watching our weight. If you have ever watched a child eat, it is extremely interesting. I have seen children turn down cookies in favor of an apple,I have seen them eat a lot, or maybe just a little even if it is a big plate of ice-cream and cake. It isn't until we start to get those messages that what we are is what we eat, and that what we want is not allowed, then we start to crave, and deny,starve and then stuff.
If we can learn to tune into our bodies instead of our outside environment, then things become extremely simple.
I really am so glad that it was not me yesterday teetering down that aisle debating on the chicken broth...I am really glad I could go home and make myself a nice bowl of risotto with parmesan(cuz thats what I wanted) and then be able to move on to bigger and better things with my life.
I will be addressing this topic again at sometime, but for today I will leave you with this. If you don't let yourself have what you want, you will want it more. Strive for balance...a little bit of this and little bit of that will make you feel like you have a lot of it all!
Smiles
Melissa
Then I saw that the new Cosmo had come out,that Special K(chocolate) was on sale, and that I needed a bag of 500 cotton balls. This is usually what happens and then some little tween stockboy walks up to me with a "pity cart" and all is well.
So I am standing in the soup aisle trying to decide between "Chunky"."Robust", or "I don't care I just want soup", when I glance up and see her. For a minute I am taken aback because it was like I was looking at my own reflection back in the day.
She is very tiny, and you can see every single bone in her body. Her clothes are baggy and her hair is obviously thinning and just matted in a giant clump on top of her head. She is pushing her cart slowly and isn't even paying attention to what is around her,because she is to busy reading the back of a label of no calorie chicken broth.
She is studying it, anyalyzing it, and yes I know all to well mathmatically configuring how many sit-ups it will take to burn off what isn't there. She has a look of vacancy on her face, no emotion, no depth...just hunger...I can see it in her eyes...sharp,dark, unbearable emptyness, and although you can't see it, her body is screaming from within to please put it out of it's misery!
It is yelling at her to put down the "god damn" broth and go buy some bread, some milk, some butter, anything..just please don't feed me this carton of liquid "nothing"!
I want so badly to grab her, to shake her, to tell her to stop the insanity..but I know by the look in her eye that she is in her zone..her "leave me the fuck alone, I don't have a problem" zone.
I get asked on a daily basis, what it was that took me from being "death thin, and starring into the toilet bowl girl" to who I am now?
I honestly don't really know what it was, but all I can say is that after 17 years and then some "hunger" can suck it! I was really really tired of being hungry.
Starvation is probably the most god awful thing you can put your body through. I mean why do you think they starve prisoners of war to get them to break? It is one of the most angonizing, painful, slow processes of torture anybody can possibly imagine.
Not only does your body start to respond physically to hunger, but the mind tricks it plays on you are insane! You see your brain needs chemicals that only food can provide, without them it starts to shut down and in my opinion "flip the fuck out"
They have done countless numbers of studies on lab mice along with humans examining the behavior associated when the body is put on a very low calorie to nothing diet.
Such behaviors include not sleeping,hyperactivity,ticks,taking food and dividing it into small pieces,memory loss, and of course obsessing over food.
Obsessing over food is probably one of the most prominent syptoms somebody starving can have. If you have ever seen those old cartoons where the two guys are stranded at sea in a little boat, and then one guy looks at the other guy and he suddenly looks like a giant turkey, then you know what I am talking about. You are so hungry that seriously people, cars, your dog, they all start to look like you could sprinkle pepper on them and have them for lunch. It's not like you are Hannibal Lector, it's just your body has kicked into survival mode and at this point wants food so "friggin" bad it starts to wig out!
I to this day I have a fascination with food, whether it is seeing it,smelling it, watching it be prepared, or eating it, I am intrigued by it's essence. Luckily for me though, I have come to be able to manage the whole process of what it is and what it represents. I used to see food as the center of my universe. I was either not eating it at all, or eating it all and then expelling it from my body like poison. It was my life, and it was what made me feel good, bad, or guilty.
Now I have come to respect food,I see it as nourishment for my body, and I have come to not see anything as "good" or "bad". I realize how much it also plays a part for me socially. Everything I do with others usually involves some sort of food, and I realize now that it isn't about the food so much, but about the people and memories surrounding it.
I have a lot of good friends who are chefs and they have taught me how to respect food. They have shown me to appreciate it, to sit down and really taste what I am putting in my mouth, to listen to what my body wants and to challenge my taste-buds to try new things.
It has taken me many many years to get to this point, but I honestly do not let food rule my life anymore. I eat when I am hungry, I stop when I am full. I eat what my body feels like and know that nothing is off limits to me as long as I eat it in moderation.
I have long since put the whole diet thing to bed, and think that anybody and everybody can do the same if they just used portion control. We as adults lose touch with what is called out "intuitive" eating skills. As children we didn't know anything about calories, or fat, or watching our weight. If you have ever watched a child eat, it is extremely interesting. I have seen children turn down cookies in favor of an apple,I have seen them eat a lot, or maybe just a little even if it is a big plate of ice-cream and cake. It isn't until we start to get those messages that what we are is what we eat, and that what we want is not allowed, then we start to crave, and deny,starve and then stuff.
If we can learn to tune into our bodies instead of our outside environment, then things become extremely simple.
I really am so glad that it was not me yesterday teetering down that aisle debating on the chicken broth...I am really glad I could go home and make myself a nice bowl of risotto with parmesan(cuz thats what I wanted) and then be able to move on to bigger and better things with my life.
I will be addressing this topic again at sometime, but for today I will leave you with this. If you don't let yourself have what you want, you will want it more. Strive for balance...a little bit of this and little bit of that will make you feel like you have a lot of it all!
Smiles
Melissa
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