Remember in like third grade when you had to do that worksheet..."What I want to be when I grow up"? I can see myself like it was yesterday..sitting in my little yellow chair, pigtails, perfectly coordinated outfit(ya even at that age I had swagga)
I don't have a clue though what I put down, but knowing me it was something fabulously out there. Forget nurse, librarian, doctor, lawyer, indian chief..no no no..I am sure it had everything to do with some sort of microphone, stage, and entourage! Truth be told though fast forward to present time cuz I might as well be sitting in that exact same yellow chair with that exact same worksheet in front of me right now! Yes ladies and gentlemen..I am 36 years old and still do not know what I want to be when I grow up! GASP,!! HARK!!..SAY WHATTTTT???
I remember in high school everybody was flustering about trying to get into colleges, taking their SAT's, their ACT's, applying to all the great schools. I was most likely fluffing my hair,applying lipgloss, and worring about my TMZ(the Melissa Zone)
I was not one to be prepped for school, my plans were not that scuplted,my mother never had any intention of me going to a higher level education,she was more concerned about my weight at that time, and unfortunetly highly enforced that the way I looked, was gonna be my ticket to the universe. I remember when they started to have us take all these like career tests..like what would we be most qualified for..ya that was a bust..I remember getting mine back and it suggested I become a rocket scientist or a funeral director..ya that was time well spent.
Then there was the time when an Army recruiter called me.."Hello Miss DeHart..this is Sergeant yadayadayda..how would you like to come on down and sign up for the Army?"..I was laughing so hard I could barely reply.."Sir do you have any idea who you are speaking with"..If you are looking for your next GI Jane not only are you barking up the wrong tree..you are completely in the wrong "friggin" forest!
I knew from a small age though, I wanted to be somebody important..not so much President of the United States important..more like Julia Roberts important.
Nowadays it kind of frustrates me though how people become famous for being nobody. I mean all you need is a sex tape and a great ass and all of a sudden you are raking in the millions.
What happened to talent?..what happened to actually contributing something to society and having talent to show for your bank statement, BMW's, and BLING!!
Well I don't know, but I see all these friends of mine who have become something,they went to college, they got their acts together, they did what they were supposed to do. Take my little sister..she went to nursing school, made great grades, and now she makes more money in one week then I did in an entire year.
I guess I just never really grew up, and am still that little girl standing in front of the mirror holding my hairbrush and practicing the phrase "I would like to thank the academy"
Now I gotta hand it to myself..I am just a very small town girl, from a very small town, who knew I was destined for bigger and better things. We all have a path,a story, a journey. My destiny has not really been an easy fit..I kinda have done things the hard way. I got myself to college, only because I was bored one day and decided it would be cool to do. I still had no clue what I wanted to be, but I knew it had to be something involving a camera and me in front of it, so I went into Broadcasting.
I was not satistifed with the whole 4 year plan, so I marched into the local ABC station and later the CBS one(worked for both) and told them I was their girl. Oh my did I have to do my grunt work though..I pulled cable, I ran scripts, I mopped the sweat of those anchors faces in between segments..oh ya..it was tough!
Tough eventually payed off for me though..but not without a price..I actually went out every weekend and shot my own stuff, then me and my homie Barry(fellow awesome intern) and I would go back and edit it all in our spare time. One day the president(love ya Miss Placier) of the station asked to see my stuff and the next thing you know I am on the weekend edition! SCORE!!
Of course my life has taken all kinds of twists and turns since then, and I am once again kindof out there, but for the oddest reason..I got really really sick, got really really better, and some people noticed that.
Now I am 36 years old with a resume that includes being a waitress, hostess, television reporter to be, famous anorexic who almost died, famous anorexic who almost died and got better, havn't done much since...OMG... WTF??? am I gonna do now??
Ya..I have been considering my options...so far they include replacing Ryan Seacrest on American Idol, becoming a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, a backup dancer for Beyonce, or a professional cupcake decorator.
If anybody has any other suggestions please let me know..but until then I really need to figure out what it is I wanna be when I grow up..I already got the Fabulous thing in the bag..just kind of need to grow off of that!
God..if you are hiring..please call me!!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Lady release your jaw...this man is not a roasted chicken!
So I am in the grocery store yesterday fluttering around trying to balance the 20 items I have accumulated in my two arms, cuz I tell myself I don't have time to grab a cart or a basket and that I actually only need 3 items.
Then I saw that the new Cosmo had come out,that Special K(chocolate) was on sale, and that I needed a bag of 500 cotton balls. This is usually what happens and then some little tween stockboy walks up to me with a "pity cart" and all is well.
So I am standing in the soup aisle trying to decide between "Chunky"."Robust", or "I don't care I just want soup", when I glance up and see her. For a minute I am taken aback because it was like I was looking at my own reflection back in the day.
She is very tiny, and you can see every single bone in her body. Her clothes are baggy and her hair is obviously thinning and just matted in a giant clump on top of her head. She is pushing her cart slowly and isn't even paying attention to what is around her,because she is to busy reading the back of a label of no calorie chicken broth.
She is studying it, anyalyzing it, and yes I know all to well mathmatically configuring how many sit-ups it will take to burn off what isn't there. She has a look of vacancy on her face, no emotion, no depth...just hunger...I can see it in her eyes...sharp,dark, unbearable emptyness, and although you can't see it, her body is screaming from within to please put it out of it's misery!
It is yelling at her to put down the "god damn" broth and go buy some bread, some milk, some butter, anything..just please don't feed me this carton of liquid "nothing"!
I want so badly to grab her, to shake her, to tell her to stop the insanity..but I know by the look in her eye that she is in her zone..her "leave me the fuck alone, I don't have a problem" zone.
I get asked on a daily basis, what it was that took me from being "death thin, and starring into the toilet bowl girl" to who I am now?
I honestly don't really know what it was, but all I can say is that after 17 years and then some "hunger" can suck it! I was really really tired of being hungry.
Starvation is probably the most god awful thing you can put your body through. I mean why do you think they starve prisoners of war to get them to break? It is one of the most angonizing, painful, slow processes of torture anybody can possibly imagine.
Not only does your body start to respond physically to hunger, but the mind tricks it plays on you are insane! You see your brain needs chemicals that only food can provide, without them it starts to shut down and in my opinion "flip the fuck out"
They have done countless numbers of studies on lab mice along with humans examining the behavior associated when the body is put on a very low calorie to nothing diet.
Such behaviors include not sleeping,hyperactivity,ticks,taking food and dividing it into small pieces,memory loss, and of course obsessing over food.
Obsessing over food is probably one of the most prominent syptoms somebody starving can have. If you have ever seen those old cartoons where the two guys are stranded at sea in a little boat, and then one guy looks at the other guy and he suddenly looks like a giant turkey, then you know what I am talking about. You are so hungry that seriously people, cars, your dog, they all start to look like you could sprinkle pepper on them and have them for lunch. It's not like you are Hannibal Lector, it's just your body has kicked into survival mode and at this point wants food so "friggin" bad it starts to wig out!
I to this day I have a fascination with food, whether it is seeing it,smelling it, watching it be prepared, or eating it, I am intrigued by it's essence. Luckily for me though, I have come to be able to manage the whole process of what it is and what it represents. I used to see food as the center of my universe. I was either not eating it at all, or eating it all and then expelling it from my body like poison. It was my life, and it was what made me feel good, bad, or guilty.
Now I have come to respect food,I see it as nourishment for my body, and I have come to not see anything as "good" or "bad". I realize how much it also plays a part for me socially. Everything I do with others usually involves some sort of food, and I realize now that it isn't about the food so much, but about the people and memories surrounding it.
I have a lot of good friends who are chefs and they have taught me how to respect food. They have shown me to appreciate it, to sit down and really taste what I am putting in my mouth, to listen to what my body wants and to challenge my taste-buds to try new things.
It has taken me many many years to get to this point, but I honestly do not let food rule my life anymore. I eat when I am hungry, I stop when I am full. I eat what my body feels like and know that nothing is off limits to me as long as I eat it in moderation.
I have long since put the whole diet thing to bed, and think that anybody and everybody can do the same if they just used portion control. We as adults lose touch with what is called out "intuitive" eating skills. As children we didn't know anything about calories, or fat, or watching our weight. If you have ever watched a child eat, it is extremely interesting. I have seen children turn down cookies in favor of an apple,I have seen them eat a lot, or maybe just a little even if it is a big plate of ice-cream and cake. It isn't until we start to get those messages that what we are is what we eat, and that what we want is not allowed, then we start to crave, and deny,starve and then stuff.
If we can learn to tune into our bodies instead of our outside environment, then things become extremely simple.
I really am so glad that it was not me yesterday teetering down that aisle debating on the chicken broth...I am really glad I could go home and make myself a nice bowl of risotto with parmesan(cuz thats what I wanted) and then be able to move on to bigger and better things with my life.
I will be addressing this topic again at sometime, but for today I will leave you with this. If you don't let yourself have what you want, you will want it more. Strive for balance...a little bit of this and little bit of that will make you feel like you have a lot of it all!
Smiles
Melissa
Then I saw that the new Cosmo had come out,that Special K(chocolate) was on sale, and that I needed a bag of 500 cotton balls. This is usually what happens and then some little tween stockboy walks up to me with a "pity cart" and all is well.
So I am standing in the soup aisle trying to decide between "Chunky"."Robust", or "I don't care I just want soup", when I glance up and see her. For a minute I am taken aback because it was like I was looking at my own reflection back in the day.
She is very tiny, and you can see every single bone in her body. Her clothes are baggy and her hair is obviously thinning and just matted in a giant clump on top of her head. She is pushing her cart slowly and isn't even paying attention to what is around her,because she is to busy reading the back of a label of no calorie chicken broth.
She is studying it, anyalyzing it, and yes I know all to well mathmatically configuring how many sit-ups it will take to burn off what isn't there. She has a look of vacancy on her face, no emotion, no depth...just hunger...I can see it in her eyes...sharp,dark, unbearable emptyness, and although you can't see it, her body is screaming from within to please put it out of it's misery!
It is yelling at her to put down the "god damn" broth and go buy some bread, some milk, some butter, anything..just please don't feed me this carton of liquid "nothing"!
I want so badly to grab her, to shake her, to tell her to stop the insanity..but I know by the look in her eye that she is in her zone..her "leave me the fuck alone, I don't have a problem" zone.
I get asked on a daily basis, what it was that took me from being "death thin, and starring into the toilet bowl girl" to who I am now?
I honestly don't really know what it was, but all I can say is that after 17 years and then some "hunger" can suck it! I was really really tired of being hungry.
Starvation is probably the most god awful thing you can put your body through. I mean why do you think they starve prisoners of war to get them to break? It is one of the most angonizing, painful, slow processes of torture anybody can possibly imagine.
Not only does your body start to respond physically to hunger, but the mind tricks it plays on you are insane! You see your brain needs chemicals that only food can provide, without them it starts to shut down and in my opinion "flip the fuck out"
They have done countless numbers of studies on lab mice along with humans examining the behavior associated when the body is put on a very low calorie to nothing diet.
Such behaviors include not sleeping,hyperactivity,ticks,taking food and dividing it into small pieces,memory loss, and of course obsessing over food.
Obsessing over food is probably one of the most prominent syptoms somebody starving can have. If you have ever seen those old cartoons where the two guys are stranded at sea in a little boat, and then one guy looks at the other guy and he suddenly looks like a giant turkey, then you know what I am talking about. You are so hungry that seriously people, cars, your dog, they all start to look like you could sprinkle pepper on them and have them for lunch. It's not like you are Hannibal Lector, it's just your body has kicked into survival mode and at this point wants food so "friggin" bad it starts to wig out!
I to this day I have a fascination with food, whether it is seeing it,smelling it, watching it be prepared, or eating it, I am intrigued by it's essence. Luckily for me though, I have come to be able to manage the whole process of what it is and what it represents. I used to see food as the center of my universe. I was either not eating it at all, or eating it all and then expelling it from my body like poison. It was my life, and it was what made me feel good, bad, or guilty.
Now I have come to respect food,I see it as nourishment for my body, and I have come to not see anything as "good" or "bad". I realize how much it also plays a part for me socially. Everything I do with others usually involves some sort of food, and I realize now that it isn't about the food so much, but about the people and memories surrounding it.
I have a lot of good friends who are chefs and they have taught me how to respect food. They have shown me to appreciate it, to sit down and really taste what I am putting in my mouth, to listen to what my body wants and to challenge my taste-buds to try new things.
It has taken me many many years to get to this point, but I honestly do not let food rule my life anymore. I eat when I am hungry, I stop when I am full. I eat what my body feels like and know that nothing is off limits to me as long as I eat it in moderation.
I have long since put the whole diet thing to bed, and think that anybody and everybody can do the same if they just used portion control. We as adults lose touch with what is called out "intuitive" eating skills. As children we didn't know anything about calories, or fat, or watching our weight. If you have ever watched a child eat, it is extremely interesting. I have seen children turn down cookies in favor of an apple,I have seen them eat a lot, or maybe just a little even if it is a big plate of ice-cream and cake. It isn't until we start to get those messages that what we are is what we eat, and that what we want is not allowed, then we start to crave, and deny,starve and then stuff.
If we can learn to tune into our bodies instead of our outside environment, then things become extremely simple.
I really am so glad that it was not me yesterday teetering down that aisle debating on the chicken broth...I am really glad I could go home and make myself a nice bowl of risotto with parmesan(cuz thats what I wanted) and then be able to move on to bigger and better things with my life.
I will be addressing this topic again at sometime, but for today I will leave you with this. If you don't let yourself have what you want, you will want it more. Strive for balance...a little bit of this and little bit of that will make you feel like you have a lot of it all!
Smiles
Melissa
Monday, August 30, 2010
Love is not only blind he is "friggin" stupid
When I was a little girl, my best friend Roxy(not her real name) was obsessed with bridal magazines.
She had her dress,cake,venue,dishes,flowers,etc completely planned out by the age of six,
I remember asking her one day that if she was aware that a groom was part of the whole process and that she might want to factor him into the whole equation, and that after the party she was gonna have to wash some guys boxers or briefs at the end of the day.
I thought she was a bit "nutty" to be so obsessed with all this for one stupid day of walking down the aisle in a cloud of white taffeta(it was the eighties and tafetta was in)and maybe it was because I had two parents who did the marriage thing and it didn't exactly end happily ever after.
Don't get me wrong, every little girl dreams of that big day..that day when she is he most important and beatiful girl on the face of the earth. I just assumed that someday this would happen for me too, massive collection of bridal magazines or not.
Roxy got married all right, and the funny thing is she actually bought her wedding dress before she met her husband..so again the bit "nutty" part was validated.
Luckily for her, things actually worked out, and although I didn't attend, I am positive it was quite the show.
I however should have probably taken her lead and maybe started planning out my happily ever after at an early age, but unfortunetly I was too busy dreaming of walking down a different aisle..the red carpet.
So whats wrong with me??..how is it that most of my friends, my little sister, and everybody under the sun is married and I am at home watching the "Real Housewives of New Jersey" and eating lean cuisine from the microwave?
I am as far away from marriage as "Cher" is from her original face. I also think that having two parents who have married and divorced in the multitudes have made me a bit jaded.
Let me tell you something..being 36 years old and having to be out there in the "dating" world sucks!
I mean I see all these smiley happy in love couples who are so in love, and they always have this great story on how they met, and then they laugh and giggle and go copulate like rabbits and plan their platinum weddings.
Where are all these people meeting eachother??..not at any of the local bars or nightclubs I am going to on the weekends I'll tell you that.
I mean are there just single awesome guys just out there wandering around waiting for me to bump into them whileI am fixing the strap on my Jimmy Choo's? Perhaps one will just suddenly jump out from behind a bush to save me from a wild bear? Hey I know maybe "Mr.Wonderful" will be standing next to me in the express lane at the supermarket and notice all my single girl groceries and ask if he can take me home and grill me a steak?
Ya..this is what I am saying...I am so happy for all this love that finds everybody, but it seems to be way off course when it comes to me. In fact it is so off course that he is gonna need one hell of a GPS to find his way into my heart.
Am I bitter?...Nahhhhhhhh...just curious, maybe a little sad, and perhaps a little worried that if cupid doesn't get his act together, I am never gonna end up knowing what it's like to say he liked me so much he put a ring on it! I don't even want a ring at this point, maybe just a "hi it's nice to meet you, would you like to have dinner with me tomorrow night":)
She had her dress,cake,venue,dishes,flowers,etc completely planned out by the age of six,
I remember asking her one day that if she was aware that a groom was part of the whole process and that she might want to factor him into the whole equation, and that after the party she was gonna have to wash some guys boxers or briefs at the end of the day.
I thought she was a bit "nutty" to be so obsessed with all this for one stupid day of walking down the aisle in a cloud of white taffeta(it was the eighties and tafetta was in)and maybe it was because I had two parents who did the marriage thing and it didn't exactly end happily ever after.
Don't get me wrong, every little girl dreams of that big day..that day when she is he most important and beatiful girl on the face of the earth. I just assumed that someday this would happen for me too, massive collection of bridal magazines or not.
Roxy got married all right, and the funny thing is she actually bought her wedding dress before she met her husband..so again the bit "nutty" part was validated.
Luckily for her, things actually worked out, and although I didn't attend, I am positive it was quite the show.
I however should have probably taken her lead and maybe started planning out my happily ever after at an early age, but unfortunetly I was too busy dreaming of walking down a different aisle..the red carpet.
So whats wrong with me??..how is it that most of my friends, my little sister, and everybody under the sun is married and I am at home watching the "Real Housewives of New Jersey" and eating lean cuisine from the microwave?
I am as far away from marriage as "Cher" is from her original face. I also think that having two parents who have married and divorced in the multitudes have made me a bit jaded.
Let me tell you something..being 36 years old and having to be out there in the "dating" world sucks!
I mean I see all these smiley happy in love couples who are so in love, and they always have this great story on how they met, and then they laugh and giggle and go copulate like rabbits and plan their platinum weddings.
Where are all these people meeting eachother??..not at any of the local bars or nightclubs I am going to on the weekends I'll tell you that.
I mean are there just single awesome guys just out there wandering around waiting for me to bump into them whileI am fixing the strap on my Jimmy Choo's? Perhaps one will just suddenly jump out from behind a bush to save me from a wild bear? Hey I know maybe "Mr.Wonderful" will be standing next to me in the express lane at the supermarket and notice all my single girl groceries and ask if he can take me home and grill me a steak?
Ya..this is what I am saying...I am so happy for all this love that finds everybody, but it seems to be way off course when it comes to me. In fact it is so off course that he is gonna need one hell of a GPS to find his way into my heart.
Am I bitter?...Nahhhhhhhh...just curious, maybe a little sad, and perhaps a little worried that if cupid doesn't get his act together, I am never gonna end up knowing what it's like to say he liked me so much he put a ring on it! I don't even want a ring at this point, maybe just a "hi it's nice to meet you, would you like to have dinner with me tomorrow night":)
Sunday, August 22, 2010
You know it is time to do your laundry when you are wearing your underwear with "mistletoe" on the front.
Ok, there are a lot of things I like in life, and then there are just a few things I despise.
They include, watching the Bacherlorette, going to Home Depot,anything and everything containing Tofu,Barry Manilow, Barry Manilow singing Copacabana, Cats(not the musical, although after seeing it 9 times, I am a little over it) people who wear shirts with Cats on them, people who insist to singing along to songs they do not know the words too, and...well I could go on.
There is however one thing, one little thing that lets just say I would rather have my teeth drilled, while changing a tire in the middle of the night, while listening to Barry Manilow sing Copa then do..and it my darlings is LAUNDRY!!
Yep, some people find it enjoyable..the sorting, the folding, the scent of fresh fabric softner as it hits your nose...ya not one of them.
It's kinda not my fault though, let me tell you how it all started.
I have a lot of roots in Lousiana..lived there for a good 10 years, and 6 of them were spent living with my grandmother.
Now in Lousiana it is tradition that Monday is "wash day" and that on "wash day" you must make up a big mess of "red beans and rice"
I used to love Monday's, not only cuz my grandmother made the best "red beans" that side of the "Mississippi", but because her maid "Miss Clara" would do my wash for me.
Ok, I know what you are thinking, I was a spoiled little princess, but I loved "Miss Clara" she was the "bombchikeebombbomb" and she taught me the essentials of laundry, and they are.. a. I don't like it, and b..it is much nicer to have somebody do it for you! I also enjoyed the ironing, bed making, and cleaning up the "hair product gone wild" fiasco that took place every morning before I went to class.
So alas...I guess you could say that I am a "late bloomer" when it comes to the domestics, and it sucks cuz I don't have "Miss Clara", and I also live in Cali now, where they don't care what day you do your wash on, and eating legumes aren't really a big part of it either.
So I gotta do it today, cuz I am down to my emergency pair of last underwear, the ones I only wear on Christmas, and being that it's the middle of August I am not feeling the "Jolly". I usually would say "screw it, and just go to Vicoria's Secret and buy a bunch more,but it's getting a little out of control, and I gotta cut back on the lacy undergarments or I won't be able to make rent this month.
I also hate to do it because I live in an apartment complex and have to share the laundry room with my neighbors, who ironically don't care for me much. See they don't share my love for "Lady Gaga" and "Greenday" at 7.a.m. and have been living me little sticky notes on my door telling me so.
I also don't like folding all my undergarments in front of my downstairs neighbor..he creeps me out the way he stares at me when I fold them. I can't tell whether he likes to see what I wear under my "skinny jeans" or he is planning to steal them and wear them at night?..Ima just sayin!
I have spent the last 45 minutes scrounging for quarters too!! I used to have a jar of them, but one night my friends and I started to play drinking games, and along with lets take a shot everytime Melissa says "OMG" or "Fabulous" we played a game of quarters. I have been dumping out all my purses(65), pockets(2,89096), and "Special K" boxes(1-Very Berry) looking for Mr. Washingtons:)
So now I am about to lug my skivvies down to the "communal abyss of washers, and dryers" with my "Downy soft" under my arm. I use "Downy" because I got tired of buying "Snuggle" and not having a "cute cuddly bear" fly down and help me out..seriously Denied!!
Many Thanks "Miss Clara"..for the many years of doing my wash, and not a day goes by that I don't remember the sweet bliss of not having to do anything with a "lint trap"..a moment of silence for you!!
They include, watching the Bacherlorette, going to Home Depot,anything and everything containing Tofu,Barry Manilow, Barry Manilow singing Copacabana, Cats(not the musical, although after seeing it 9 times, I am a little over it) people who wear shirts with Cats on them, people who insist to singing along to songs they do not know the words too, and...well I could go on.
There is however one thing, one little thing that lets just say I would rather have my teeth drilled, while changing a tire in the middle of the night, while listening to Barry Manilow sing Copa then do..and it my darlings is LAUNDRY!!
Yep, some people find it enjoyable..the sorting, the folding, the scent of fresh fabric softner as it hits your nose...ya not one of them.
It's kinda not my fault though, let me tell you how it all started.
I have a lot of roots in Lousiana..lived there for a good 10 years, and 6 of them were spent living with my grandmother.
Now in Lousiana it is tradition that Monday is "wash day" and that on "wash day" you must make up a big mess of "red beans and rice"
I used to love Monday's, not only cuz my grandmother made the best "red beans" that side of the "Mississippi", but because her maid "Miss Clara" would do my wash for me.
Ok, I know what you are thinking, I was a spoiled little princess, but I loved "Miss Clara" she was the "bombchikeebombbomb" and she taught me the essentials of laundry, and they are.. a. I don't like it, and b..it is much nicer to have somebody do it for you! I also enjoyed the ironing, bed making, and cleaning up the "hair product gone wild" fiasco that took place every morning before I went to class.
So alas...I guess you could say that I am a "late bloomer" when it comes to the domestics, and it sucks cuz I don't have "Miss Clara", and I also live in Cali now, where they don't care what day you do your wash on, and eating legumes aren't really a big part of it either.
So I gotta do it today, cuz I am down to my emergency pair of last underwear, the ones I only wear on Christmas, and being that it's the middle of August I am not feeling the "Jolly". I usually would say "screw it, and just go to Vicoria's Secret and buy a bunch more,but it's getting a little out of control, and I gotta cut back on the lacy undergarments or I won't be able to make rent this month.
I also hate to do it because I live in an apartment complex and have to share the laundry room with my neighbors, who ironically don't care for me much. See they don't share my love for "Lady Gaga" and "Greenday" at 7.a.m. and have been living me little sticky notes on my door telling me so.
I also don't like folding all my undergarments in front of my downstairs neighbor..he creeps me out the way he stares at me when I fold them. I can't tell whether he likes to see what I wear under my "skinny jeans" or he is planning to steal them and wear them at night?..Ima just sayin!
I have spent the last 45 minutes scrounging for quarters too!! I used to have a jar of them, but one night my friends and I started to play drinking games, and along with lets take a shot everytime Melissa says "OMG" or "Fabulous" we played a game of quarters. I have been dumping out all my purses(65), pockets(2,89096), and "Special K" boxes(1-Very Berry) looking for Mr. Washingtons:)
So now I am about to lug my skivvies down to the "communal abyss of washers, and dryers" with my "Downy soft" under my arm. I use "Downy" because I got tired of buying "Snuggle" and not having a "cute cuddly bear" fly down and help me out..seriously Denied!!
Many Thanks "Miss Clara"..for the many years of doing my wash, and not a day goes by that I don't remember the sweet bliss of not having to do anything with a "lint trap"..a moment of silence for you!!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
I ordered some "Patience" 36 years ago..still waiting for it to arrive:)
Ok...I have heard many quotes on patience. There's the standard "Patience is a virtue" or "Patience is a passion tamed"...or how about my favorite " The secret to patience is doing something else in the meantime"
Something else in the meantime..are you serious?..you have got to be kidding me??...how about tearing every single strand of my highlighted hair out of my head, and gorging my eyes out with a butter knife?
Who are these people who came up with these stupid quotes?...I mean not anybody who has ever had to stand in back of some 75 year old woman at the supermarket who slipped 50 items in the express lane, with an "old lady" purse of expired coupons to pay with them.
Ya..this is what I am talking about...tame that kind of inner passion that makes you want to "drop kick her to whatever "Shady Pines" retirement home she escaped from.
I am not a mean person..no not at all..but It's really hard to live in the moment when everybody and their mother is holding you hostage there because they feel it necessary to, oh I don't know,....tell me about the strange growth they had removed from their left toe, while I am trying to pay for gas.
I have met a few patient people..but I think they were either highly medicated, or super super rich which enabled them to pay other people to be patient for them. Whatever...I am done getting home at 11 p.m. at night and it's all because some 15 year old "tweenager" at McDonalds decided I have to wait 25 minutes because he doesn't know how to work the McFlurry machine!
Somebody told me once.."Melissa once you have kids then you will get lots of patience"..Oh god help my future offspring..seriously I will have them eating solid foods, getting their drivers license, and graduating for college with their Bachelors, before their first birthday arrives!
Somebody else told me to try yoga and meditation class..ya lets just say I got kicked out of that class, and there is a picture of my face on the wall with orders to not let me enter the premise.
Maybe someday I will get some patience..but I am sorry as long as there is traffic on the 405 and parents who insist on letting their children run around "Super Target" unsupervised, I have an excuse to buy very large bottles of wine..and kickbox out my frustrations to the entire soundrack of the "Matrix!" Just be glad I am not kickboxing the heck out of old ladies at my local Vons:)
Something else in the meantime..are you serious?..you have got to be kidding me??...how about tearing every single strand of my highlighted hair out of my head, and gorging my eyes out with a butter knife?
Who are these people who came up with these stupid quotes?...I mean not anybody who has ever had to stand in back of some 75 year old woman at the supermarket who slipped 50 items in the express lane, with an "old lady" purse of expired coupons to pay with them.
Ya..this is what I am talking about...tame that kind of inner passion that makes you want to "drop kick her to whatever "Shady Pines" retirement home she escaped from.
I am not a mean person..no not at all..but It's really hard to live in the moment when everybody and their mother is holding you hostage there because they feel it necessary to, oh I don't know,....tell me about the strange growth they had removed from their left toe, while I am trying to pay for gas.
I have met a few patient people..but I think they were either highly medicated, or super super rich which enabled them to pay other people to be patient for them. Whatever...I am done getting home at 11 p.m. at night and it's all because some 15 year old "tweenager" at McDonalds decided I have to wait 25 minutes because he doesn't know how to work the McFlurry machine!
Somebody told me once.."Melissa once you have kids then you will get lots of patience"..Oh god help my future offspring..seriously I will have them eating solid foods, getting their drivers license, and graduating for college with their Bachelors, before their first birthday arrives!
Somebody else told me to try yoga and meditation class..ya lets just say I got kicked out of that class, and there is a picture of my face on the wall with orders to not let me enter the premise.
Maybe someday I will get some patience..but I am sorry as long as there is traffic on the 405 and parents who insist on letting their children run around "Super Target" unsupervised, I have an excuse to buy very large bottles of wine..and kickbox out my frustrations to the entire soundrack of the "Matrix!" Just be glad I am not kickboxing the heck out of old ladies at my local Vons:)
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
You are not what you eat..if so then I would be a giant Gummi Bear!
Ok..so a good friend of mine just texted me she feels like a giant lump of "cottage cheese".
Cottage Cheese??..really??...hmmm?? Ok first of all if you are gonna be a food, at least make it a good one. Do not make it a curdled dairy product..I mean if your gonna compare, be a giant sized cup of "Chunky Monkey"..you still have the "I feel fat theme" going on, but at least it's with your friends Ben and Jerry.
Gurlliess Stop it!! We are so much better then walking around thinking this way! Where do we get these thoughts that our bodies are suddenly morphing into bumpy milk? I mean I remember watching that scene in "Willy Wonka" where the chick turns into a giant Blueberry and they like roll her home..I am thinking OMG..thats gonna so fuck with her body image. She's gonna be in therapy for the rest of her life..thanks Wonka!
I myself have fallen victim to the body bashing..hmmmm??..ya just a bit. I have compared my thighs to ham hocks, my breasts to kiwi fruit, and my ass to a giant bowl of cherry jello. I think all of us gurls, should just get together and form one big Smorgasboard!! Please pass the dumplings, and could I have a bit of your chicken fat ass??
You know I figured out a long time ago, that if you sit in front of a white wall for 20 years and tell yourself that it is actually "hot pink" at the end of those 20 years that white wall is gonna be nothing but "hot pink"
We will sit and spend hours and hours looking at ourselves and then obssessing on the negative, then you know what??.. pretty soon our thighs actually start to resemble smoked meat products, and our ass does turn into chocolate pudding.
My point is...this is not productive! We have to sit around and think of what we offer to this world, what we contribute to it, and how people are drawn to us because of what we represent, not because we look a certain way!
Most of the day other people are thinking about other things..they are thinking about work, the kids, finances, baseball, friggin going home and playing with their dogs. This is what life is about..not sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves cuz we hate our bodies!
Can we start for once to look in the mirror and appreciate all the good things about ourselves..the fact that we have two legs that enable us to walk, to run, to dance. Our smiles, our belly-buttons, our adorable toes?
I am all about feeling good about myself..but I don't focus on all that negative crap anymoreee!! I wasted 17 years of my effing life giving energy to what I looked like, what other people wanted me to look like, and you know what at the end of it all, I was one tired hot mess..kindof like a giant plate of chopped suey!!..ya real pretty!
I don't care if you don't believe it now, but if you act like you love yourself and project good energy and confidence, people are gonna think you are the shit!
Nobody wants to be around sorry..they want to be around..love and light, and all that is Fabulous!!
Life is always gonna be full of ups and downs..but we have to stop taking it out on our bodies!
The next time you find yourself comparing your body to some super-models, or negating energy on your not so great features..stop yourself immedietly... I want you to then think of a time where you really felt great about yourself..where you felt Beautiful..inside and out.
Maybe it was your wedding day, or the day you had a child, or your 6th grade ballet recital. Come on..think..think ..think.!! When you get that image I want you to tatoo it into your Psyche along with the feeling it gave you in your heart! Take that with you when you feel bad..and divert your energy into doing productive things in life with productive people!
Enjoy your life darlings..go for nice walks, eat juicy apples, paint your toes red, and put on some Rock and Roll!
Life's a journey. you.may not know where you are going, but it's always gonna take you to someplace you have never been!
Love yourselves today...and remember we are not what we Eat!!..not even close!!
MWAH!
Miss Meliss
Cottage Cheese??..really??...hmmm?? Ok first of all if you are gonna be a food, at least make it a good one. Do not make it a curdled dairy product..I mean if your gonna compare, be a giant sized cup of "Chunky Monkey"..you still have the "I feel fat theme" going on, but at least it's with your friends Ben and Jerry.
Gurlliess Stop it!! We are so much better then walking around thinking this way! Where do we get these thoughts that our bodies are suddenly morphing into bumpy milk? I mean I remember watching that scene in "Willy Wonka" where the chick turns into a giant Blueberry and they like roll her home..I am thinking OMG..thats gonna so fuck with her body image. She's gonna be in therapy for the rest of her life..thanks Wonka!
I myself have fallen victim to the body bashing..hmmmm??..ya just a bit. I have compared my thighs to ham hocks, my breasts to kiwi fruit, and my ass to a giant bowl of cherry jello. I think all of us gurls, should just get together and form one big Smorgasboard!! Please pass the dumplings, and could I have a bit of your chicken fat ass??
You know I figured out a long time ago, that if you sit in front of a white wall for 20 years and tell yourself that it is actually "hot pink" at the end of those 20 years that white wall is gonna be nothing but "hot pink"
We will sit and spend hours and hours looking at ourselves and then obssessing on the negative, then you know what??.. pretty soon our thighs actually start to resemble smoked meat products, and our ass does turn into chocolate pudding.
My point is...this is not productive! We have to sit around and think of what we offer to this world, what we contribute to it, and how people are drawn to us because of what we represent, not because we look a certain way!
Most of the day other people are thinking about other things..they are thinking about work, the kids, finances, baseball, friggin going home and playing with their dogs. This is what life is about..not sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves cuz we hate our bodies!
Can we start for once to look in the mirror and appreciate all the good things about ourselves..the fact that we have two legs that enable us to walk, to run, to dance. Our smiles, our belly-buttons, our adorable toes?
I am all about feeling good about myself..but I don't focus on all that negative crap anymoreee!! I wasted 17 years of my effing life giving energy to what I looked like, what other people wanted me to look like, and you know what at the end of it all, I was one tired hot mess..kindof like a giant plate of chopped suey!!..ya real pretty!
I don't care if you don't believe it now, but if you act like you love yourself and project good energy and confidence, people are gonna think you are the shit!
Nobody wants to be around sorry..they want to be around..love and light, and all that is Fabulous!!
Life is always gonna be full of ups and downs..but we have to stop taking it out on our bodies!
The next time you find yourself comparing your body to some super-models, or negating energy on your not so great features..stop yourself immedietly... I want you to then think of a time where you really felt great about yourself..where you felt Beautiful..inside and out.
Maybe it was your wedding day, or the day you had a child, or your 6th grade ballet recital. Come on..think..think ..think.!! When you get that image I want you to tatoo it into your Psyche along with the feeling it gave you in your heart! Take that with you when you feel bad..and divert your energy into doing productive things in life with productive people!
Enjoy your life darlings..go for nice walks, eat juicy apples, paint your toes red, and put on some Rock and Roll!
Life's a journey. you.may not know where you are going, but it's always gonna take you to someplace you have never been!
Love yourselves today...and remember we are not what we Eat!!..not even close!!
MWAH!
Miss Meliss
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